This Mother's Day. I QUIT!

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It started off badly. And got worse. For me motherhood hasn't been the picture perfect cuddle at night while your baby smiles and laughs. 

I had applied for a Disney internship and had finalized my living arrangements in Cali.  That week I found out I was going to be a mom, I was so angry. And then I felt guilty for being angry because you know, so many people are trying to get what I have, and to me it was a burden, a life interrupt, a kink in my well laid out plan.

I had to withdraw...I chose to withdraw from the internship program and had my oldest biological daughter on 11/11/11. 

Two months later after severe postpartum depression I went to the doctor to get an IUD and set up a time to have my tubes tied.  Motherhood was so hard. I could not do it again.  

The nurse came into my room and explained that I wouldn't be getting an IUD because I was pregnant.  I was so pissed. I screamed from the top of my lungs. I was mad at my husband, God, the fact that nursing is not birth control was a real thing. 

I was already drowning with the lack of sleep and adjustment to motherhood, what the hell was I supposed to do?

An honest thought i had often was, "why am I getting more kids than I can handle when others are praying, dying, trying for one?"

This fueled my #postpartum depression and after my youngest was born before my oldest turned 1, 10 months and 28 days later, my depression turned into full blown #postpartumpsychosis.

I was so mad.

I was so tired, and hungry, and tired.

I lost it one night and long story short ended up getting tazed twice and sent to the emergency room and then the psych ward. I felt like I wanted to stay in there until my kids were grown.

There was no training, there is nothing that can prepare you for having Irish twins (a term used to describe when kids are born in less than one calendar year).

I was so grateful how the women that lived near me embraced me, and helped take care of me and my two little ones.

People would say, "enjoy this time, it goes by so fast"...i really wanted to punch all of the people that ever said that. I mean really when someone is drowning barely making it, why is that helpful? Or don't get me started on, "it could be worse!"

The point is, that motherhood isn't all sunshine and roses, smiling faces and cliche phrases.

It's messy, and hard and horrible. It's dark and scary...and some days doing jail time seems better than doing bed time. 

One day this week someone told me, I don't HAVE to be a mom anymore. 

She said, you don't HAVE to do laundry, or HAVE to dishes or cook or clean. Any of it!

You see, I have been carrying around my passport religiously, and regularly check one way flights to exotic places.

I always have one foot out the door, I have always looked at my kids as something that holds me back, holds me down.

She said to me, Tammy you do not HAVE to be a mom, it's America and many many people make the choice every day to not be moms anymore.

There is power that comes from living in choice. 

I choose to do laundry because I like clean clothes.

I choose to stay and be the best mom I can be, even if most days my tries super duper suck.

I choose to look at motherhood differently, to look at my kids as people in training and not as burdens or dream crushers.

I choose to stay.

I choose to teach them how to be kind. By how I live, not by lip service.

I'm teaching them that their dreams are worth it, that they are worth it because every day I take a step towards my dream.

I'm done feeling guilty for how things have gone in the past. 

This mothers day I quit. 

I'm not being a mom Anymore because I have to, or should, or need to.

I'm doing it because I want to.

I love these 3 girls of mine, and I'm not going to apologize that how I mother is different than how you do, or what the books say. 

I'm doing me, and if you have judgements and comments about how I am, or our lack of routine, or anything else, keep them to yourself because we are going to change the world. 

Together.

Now excuse me while I put my oxygen mask on. I need some air...first. You are doing good, you got this!

Love Tammy

YesToKindness