Return to Sender

Finding the humor in awkward situations- Abortion    Even typing the word makes my gut cringe and my heart heavy - "lost my babies" has been the phrase I have been using for as long as I can remember.

Except for maybe the initial lie, where I suddenly had a "miscarriage" and had no details about what happened - I have used terms that aren't out right lying, but aren't blurting out that i had an abortion either.

This has been one of my big skeletons in my closet, for several years and I'm just now realize that hiding it isn't doing any good.

When I googled "how many abortions were performed in 2015?"

This is what I got:

"699,202 legal induced abortions were reported to CDC from 49 reporting areas. The abortion rate for 2012 was 13.2 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years, and the abortion ratio was 210 abortions per 1,000 live births.-Mar 30, 2016"

So basically earth has a 20% return to sender rate. 

I am not pro-choice or pro-whatever the other option is-- 

I am 

Pro-if you don't have a uterus then speak less on this subject...(which would include me because technically I don't have a uterus anymore)

I am 

Pro-if you have not been in the exact situation with all of the exact feelings and circumstances then err on the side of compassion...

I am 

Pro-doing the best with what you have, and when you know better- do better

I am 

Pro-forgiveness

Pro-kindness

And most of all

Pro-stop trying to hide all you have done and start using it to do some good in the world.

I hope sharing my story will help one mama let go of her past and move on- and know that you still have worth, you are still a good person, and you can still make an amazing impact on the world even if at one time you had to make a choice...a really hard choice-that choice does not define the rest of your life.

Roll back a few years and a few husbands ago, I was in school, I had just finished my 6 years in the army, I had already been divorced a few times and I find myself in and out of psych wards...yes that's plural.

Medicated (legally) (minus the one line of coke) to the point of insanity- at one point I remember passing out on the beach and not being able to walk...serious scary "mental health" kind of "legal" drugs.

I was living at home..(again) and the first guy I met I fell crazy in love (the kind of in love that gets you out of your parents house)

At one point my mom asked if I was having sex with him, I said yes- and she said, "why don't you just Marry him if you're having sex"

To which my reply was, "to late- we already got married."

And her reply was, "you're telling your dad"

---anyway I was in no condition to be making marriage kind of decisions- it was scary, I was scary- he was --going through his own struggles and together we were toxic, I found out I was pregnant.

...with twins

Later I found out they were both boys👬

My excitement turned to disparity with the psychosis going on inside of me and our relationship in general.

One day he was leaving me.

The next day he was taking the kids and leaving.

The next day he was never leaving.

When I finally realized that I was not going to be able to raise these kids, I asked my sister to adopt them. She agreed.

He said he would never allow it.

The thing I learned looking back is that it's impossible to make a rational decision when you're in this frame of mind-so before you judge - pause to notice all that is going on-usually people are not being crazy and irrational  for no reason at all.

I had never even had the thought of abortion, but I heard a story of a lady who had done it, and I went to the clinic to check it out. 

They explained the process.

The cost.

And then they explained that I was so far enough along that I had less than 12 hours to make a decision.

I couldn't pray about it.

I couldn't talk to anyone about it.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't not do it.

What the hell was I supposed to do.

I made the decision and somehow came up with the money.

That night, I lay in bed crying, sobbing, in the fetal position holding my babies, holding my stomach-knowing that I was making a choice that would take away their choices, a choice that I would have to hide forever and take with me to the grave.

As I lay there, suddenly, I feel peace. For the first time in years I felt like What I was doing was,as a mother, this was the best choice I could have made in the circumstances that were upon me- all the anxiety was gone. 

This was the safest place for them to be. Return to Sender.

It wasn't about anything else, I wasn't being selfish --I had tried every other avenue that I could think of.

I went in basically alone, they gave me a pill, I laid on the table.

I remember looking down from the ceiling wondering how we were going to be okay, if I could ever forgive myself if they could ever forgive me.

If the people close to me could forgive me for the lies and all of the BS I caused- I didn't know what else to do.

I started this blog out thinking that I could somehow make this a joke- that laughing would make things better - Return to Sender like returning a package to Amazon.

What is the reason for the return?

  

But it's actually not funny.

I'm not proud of myself for making this choice.

I'm not promoting it or discounting the seriousness of my choice.

I am saying, that the past is the past, and I can't fix it now. 

I can love the little ones that I now have, and I can help others who are alone and hiding and dying inside because of this-

I know I'm not the only one.

I know that someone reading this can begin to heal, and know you're not alone and you don't have to carry this the rest of your life.

Jesus has our babies safety in her arms.

He wants you to keep going, to forgive yourself.

He wants you to have compassion for people in your situation and never forget how hard it was to do it alone. 

You're not alone. You're not your choices, you're not your past. 

I know that coming out of the closet with this is not something that everyone is going to do, so I have started a private support group if you would like to join send me an email at yestokindness@gmail.com subject line Return to Sender

This isn't the end, but for now- I'll stop -so let the judgement commence! I'm not afraid of you anymore or your posts on pro life that I surely will be seeing. - I'm not judging you for judging me either.

Bless you as you go about doing good. I hope you never have to go through the situations you have so many opinions on...because the more you go through the less opinions you have...

Bless be blessed,

Tammy💞🙃💞

#returntosender #abortioncompassion #imonlyhuman

If you are pregnant now and feel that abortion is your only option please reach out for help- you don't have to do it alone. You're not alone. Yestokindness@gmail.com

And always available is the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255 there is still hope - it will get worse but there are always rays of sunshine and you are sunshine to others.

If you have a story about you or someone you know that had to suffer alone through abortion please share this - you can email me your story to yestokindness@gmail.com or mail it to 3775 Orchard Avenue South Ogden, UT 84403

YesToKindness